This year, Lush is celebrating Valentine's Day the best way it knows how: with some hyper-suggestive bath bombs shaped like the emoji we all know are really code for sex things. The environmentally friendly brand's most notable products took the shape of the eggplant, peach, and banana emojis. Yes, it's true, giggle fit be damned.
Someone on Twitter pointed out that someone who isn't too smart might try to actually use the eggplant bath bomb as ... well, the thing the eggplant is representative of. And now media outlets everywhere are contacting doctors to let you know that you definitely, without a doubt, 100% should never do that.
Honestly, I can't believe this is even a thing.
Right. So Lush just released a Valentine's Day collection chock-full of emoji-shaped bath bombs and body bars.
The most anticipated item in the line was definitely the eggplant-shaped bath bomb, inspired by the most suggestive emoji out there.
When you're done giggling at the idea of a vaguely penis-shaped bath bomb, dig this: The bath bomb is scented with citrusy bergamot and ho wood oil for an earthy scent not dissimilar to men's cologne.
But then someone else pointed out the inevitable, and now I'm feeling extremely concerned — and grossed out.
Like, really grossed out and concerned. Listen, I'm always the first person in the room to make a dirty joke, and even I'm skittish about this whole thing.
This person's not completely off base. A lot of people use food and other household items that are — ahem — insertable in the bedroom.
And there are endless horror stories from doctors to prove it. This article about food in the bedroom in Self, for example, quotes a doctor who said he's "seen lots of" grapes stuck inside people's private parts.
There is no hope left for humanity.
And now doctors are genuinely warning people not to use the eggplant bath bomb as a sex toy — because that's actually super dangerous for your vagina.
Don't put it inside your vagina. Don't put it inside your anus. Don't even put it inside your mouth. You'll get a gnarly infection if you do.
It is the year 2019, and this is a real story you're reading right now. Just let that sink in.
"We would strongly discourage the use of bath bombs internally, as these could disturb the fragile balance of good bacteria inside the vagina," Scottish gynecologist Vanessa Mackay told Metro UK.
"This natural flora helps to protect the vagina, and disrupting it could lead to irritation, inflammation, and infection, such as bacterial vaginosis or thrush," she continued. Thrush, by the way, is an oral fungal infection.
If you've ever had a yeast infection, you know you'd do anything not to have one ever again. Its symptoms include but are not limited to vaginal pain, itching, inflammation, irregular discharge, and redness.
Another reason a phallic bath bomb makes for a dangerous dildo? It can literally break off and become stuck inside of you.
YEAH. Think about how many times you've rushed home with a bath bomb and broken it before you even got it into your bathtub. Bath bombs are made out of tightly compacted sand-like particles — naturally, they're prone to falling apart, breaking, and even dissolving.
That is not a process you want happening inside you while you're gettin' freaky.
"Women are advised to use plain, unperfumed soaps to wash the area around the vagina (the vulva), not inside it, gently every day," Mackay told Metro UK.
I repeat: Don't put any kind of soap inside your vagina at all. Your vagina is magical and will take care of all the cleaning itself.
And if you don't have an unscented body wash hanging around at home, Cetaphil's Ultra Gentle Body Wash ($8, Walmart) is a great place to start.
The vagina is like a self-cleaning oven, and putting any kind of soap or scented stuff in there to "clean up" is only going to do the opposite.
"The vagina is a self-cleaning organ; it takes care of itself," Hilda Hutcherson, an assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia University Medical Center, told Allure magazine. "Of all the things that women have to worry about, washing or deodorizing their vulvas is not one of them."
And that means pretty much any vaginal cleansing, "balancing," or deodorizing product you've been pressured to buy is utter baloney.
It also means that you should never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever even so much as think about maybe putting an eggplant-shaped bath bomb inside any part of you. Ever.
So if you're trying to get down with your bad self, do your genitals a favor and buy an actual sex toy that was designed to go inside you safely.
You can even buy one that's shaped like an eggplant if you really just enjoy that idea. The Eggplant Emojibator (LOL, I know) looks just like the bath bomb and costs only $29. You're welcome.
And if you're new to sex toys, don't be shy. They're hella fun, tons of women own them, and it's totally normal to want or own one (or many) of 'em.
Anyway, the idea of a bath bomb dildo was really bothering me, and I just needed to share.
End point: Vaginas are great, sex toys are great, bath bombs are great. Just please don't put them in your vagina. Have a nice day.