Jamie Outlander Season 2
photo: Starz

There are so many things that I, a hot-blooded American woman, find sexy about Jamie Fraser from "Outlander" — both in Diana Gabaldon's books, and on Starz's hit TV series. I admire his bravery, fall for his charm, swoon over his 18th century feminism, and of course, simply die for his strong, sexy arms.

BUT (and this is a minor "but," here, unlike Jamie's insanely chiseled, very major BUTT), sometimes the things that Jamie "honey pot" Fraser says between the sheets are so Shakespearean — so ripped from the pages of a middle-aged mother of two's dream journal — that I can't help but chuckle. Like, if you ever meet a guy that rattles off soliloquies before he finishes feel free to call my bluff, but I would reckon most dudes, by nature, spend more time grunting and less time coming up with creative metaphors for your honey pot like Jamie does. 

Unrealistic or not, however, these creative sexual metaphors are Jamie Fraser's thing — and thus, I have learned to love them. Especially these 13, which made me laugh out loud but also kind of turned on at the same time? Whatever, you get it.

1

“I’m sorry. I didna mean to hurt ye. But I do want to be in you, to stay in you, so deep. I want to leave the feel of me deep inside ye with my seed. I want to hold ye so and stay wi’ you ‘til dawn, and leave you sleeping and go, with the shapes of you warm in my hands."

2

"Aye, beg me for mercy, Sassenach. Ye shallna have it, though; not yet ... "

HAVE WHAT, JAMES?

3

"And I mean to hear ye groan like that again. And to moan and sob, even though you dinna wish to, for ye canna help it. I mean to make you sigh as though your heart would break, and scream with the wanting, and at last to cry out in my arms, and I shall know that I've served ye well."

photo: Starz
4

" Look. Look down. Watch while I take ye. Watch, damn you!"

photo: Starz
5

"Lord ... it's slippery as waterweed!"

photo: Starz
6

"I didna say I wanted an apology, did I? If I recall aright, what I said was 'Bite me again.'"

photo: Starz

I mean, sure.

7

"When I come to ya fierce and wanting, and ye whimper under me, and struggle as though you wanted to get away, and I know it's only that you're struggling to come closer, and I'm fighting the same fight. Or when I come to you needing, and ye take me into you with a sigh and that quiet hum like a hive of bees in the sun, and ye carry me wi' you into peace with a little moaning sound."

photo: Starz

They do call it the birds and the bees ... 

8

"I am your master … and you're mine. Seems I canna possess your soul without losing my own."

photo: Starz
9

"I want to hold you hard to me and kiss you, and never let you go. I want to take you to my bed and use you like a whore, 'til I forget that I exist. And I want to put my head in your lap and weep like a child."

photo: Starz
10

"When I hold ye between my two hands and feel you quiver like that, waitin' for me to take you ... Lord, I want to pleasure you 'til ye cry out under me and open yourself to me. And when I take my pleasure from you, I feel as though I've given ye my soul along with my cock."

photo: Starz
11

"I want to hold you like a kitten in my shirt, mo duinne, and still I want to spread your thighs and plow ye like a rutting bull!"

Are you kitten me?

12

"Ride ye I will!"

photo: Starz
13

"I feel like God himself when I'm in you."

photo: Starz

Even Claire laughed at this one. Never change, Jamie Fraser.