Billie Eilish Instagram
photo: Instagram/billieeilish

*This post discusses issues surrounding mental health and self-harm. If you have or are contemplating or practicing self-harm, please reach out to the Self-Harm Text Hotline by texting CONNECT to 741741 or visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

Billie Eilish has, seemingly overnight, become one of the most recognizable young pop stars in the music industry. Thanks to her dark aesthetic and cool yet creepy sound, she has a vast array of fans both young and old. 

Despite the huge success of the 17-year-old musician's career, there are significant drawbacks to a life in the spotlight. Recently she landed the coveted front cover spot of Rolling Stone magazine and opened up to Petra Collins about dealing with fame and struggling with depression, anxiety, and self-harm. 

Eilish explained in a Rolling Stone segment how it felt to know her music had reached a substantial audience for the first time. 

Eilish realized that her song "Ocean Eyes," released when she was in high school, was a hit after it quickly reached 1,000 streams on Soundcloud. Now, of course, it has garnered millions of listens on a variety of streaming music platforms. 

"I remember one of those days. I think it was like a day after we had put 'Ocean Eyes' out, and I remember I was sitting in Starbucks... my brother called me, and he was like, 'Dude, 'Ocean Eyes' has a thousand plays.'" 

From then on, Eilish continued to receive more critical acclaim and success. But with that fame came anxious feelings and depression. 

Eilish revealed that her depression and struggles with self-harm began at the start of her success, when "Ocean Eyes" was released. 

Eilish revealed to Rolling Stone that she suffered a serious injury, torn cartilage in her hip from a hip-hop dancing class, that forced her to give up the activity altogether. 

"I think that’s when the depression started... It sent me down a hole. I went through a whole self-harming phase — we don’t have to go into it. But the gist of it was, I felt like I deserved to be in pain," Eilish told the magazine.

She continued by referencing the time when her first song "Ocean Eyes" went viral: "When anyone else thinks about Billie Eilish at 14, they think of all the good things that happened. But all I can think of is how miserable I was. How completely distraught and confused. 13 to 16 was pretty rough." 

The 17-year-old revealed that the time just before going on her almost yearlong tour was one of the most difficult weeks of her life. 

"I’m fine now... But that was one of the hardest weeks I’ve ever had. I’ve never felt more hopeless in my life." And even though Eilish told Collins that she had never suffered from panic attacks, "I had a panic attack every single night. I cried for two hours every night. It was really, really bad."

"There was a moment when I was sitting on my bathroom floor — this sounds depressing, because it was — but I was sitting on my bathroom floor, trying to think of something I could look forward to. And I could not think of one thing. I thought for a long time, too. I was like, ‘There has to be something.’ But there was nothing."

During her Rolling Stone cover photo shoot she got into a somber mood with one of Ariana Grande's saddest songs.

A fan account shared the Instagram stories behind-the-scenes of Eilish's cover shoot. The tweet reads, "@BillieEilish listening to @ArianaGrande's 'ghostin' during her Rolling Stone cover shoot." 

The entire cover story depicted the good and bad parts of Eilish's life as a superstar, but the start of a tour often led the famous teen to experience feelings of anxiety and depression. 

"Every time I was alone, I would break down and kind of crumble... It got to the point where my friend would say, ‘I’m going home, see you,’ and I’d get this feeling in my stomach like a knife being twisted around. I felt unsafe with myself, even for an hour.... I don’t trust myself when I’m alone."

Eilish sells out massive stadiums and provides an electric energy that causes a raucous audience environment. 

Eilish shared that she often sees fans with self-harm scars and that she wants to support them. "Sometimes I see girls at my shows with scars on their arms, and it breaks my heart... I don’t have scars anymore because it was so long ago. But I’ve said to a couple of them, ‘Just be nice to yourself.’ Because I know. I was there."

Now that she books venues that seat thousands of people, the energy at her concerts has changed. She shared this video from a past performance in Spain and wrote, "throwback to barcelonaaaaaa. yall havent given me energy even CLOSE to this in a minute! im grateful asf that my crowds been growing big as hell lately but whered all that energy go?"

The struggles of fame and a difficult work schedule, however, come with the joy of getting to do what she loves most for a living — and garnering wild success along the way. 

Landing the cover of the iconic music magazine was a milestone for the young artist. Eilish posted the magazine's cover to her Instagram and wrote, "COVER: ROLLING STONE." 

Even though she opened up about the hardships she faces as a musician, she also talked about the good parts of fame, like how her friends and family have made substantial efforts to make life on the road as pleasant for the artist as possible. 

"The shows have been amazing. We brought the scooters, so we’ve been scootering around. We played Ultimate Frisbee and I beat everybody’s ass. So yeah. I’ve been pretty happy. I’m really trying hard to make it as good as possible for me, because I want to love what I do. I don’t want to be miserable, because it’s not a miserable thing. But when there are things that make you miserable . . . it’s miserable!" she told Rolling Stone. 

Though life on the road is tough for the young musician, she's also loving the performances and puts on some of the most vibrant concerts ever.

"I have an amazing job, dude. I really do. The things I get to do in my career have just been unbelievable. Like this [redacted], bro? Can you believe this is real?" Eilish says of her rock star lifestyle. 

"Are you kidding me? Like, that’s what I get to do? Come on, bro! So I do love it. And, like, I do like fame. Fame is pretty cool. If I’m putting on my third-person cocky hat, the [redacted] is [redacted] amazing. Going anywhere and being looked at because everyone knows who you are? That’s crazy! So I really cannot complain. But I do anyway."