It's an unfair fact of life that the richer and more famous you are, the more gifts you get for free. Kim Kardashian, possibly one of the most famous people on the planet, showed off her newest press gift on her Instagram stories and I'm mad. I'm SO MAD. She got free Kentucky Fried Chicken platform Crocs and I didn't, so please join me as I publicly pout about it.
Kardashian loooves making unboxing videos.
Kardashian often posts her press boxes on her Instagram Stories, presumably because she enjoys watching us poors all squirm with envy. And like a masochist, I watch them every day. So when I saw her unbox these KFC Crocs, my blood boiled faster than you can say "chicken potpie."
LOOK AT THESE THINGS.
There is a chicken nugget topper on the Crocs, which is making me dizzy with lust. I have no idea what they are made out of, but I don't care, because I will never own them. I will never be able to take photos of my dog standing next to them, pretending to eat a piece of chicken off my shoe. Thanks, Kim. Thanks a lot, for reminding me of my lowly plebeian status.
Do you hear that sound...?
That's the synth intro to the song "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin. I mean, can you believe? These shoes are crispy tender perfection. The platform is a KFC bucket, Col. Sanders face and all. My heart is racing, and I don't even eat KFC.
There's a reason for the Crocs, of course.
KFC X Crocs may seem like a pairing from the coldest depths of capitalism, but the two brands collaborated for a reason. As Kardashian explains, KFC is introducing vegan fried chicken with Beyond Meat; they are now offering 100% plant-based fake chicken, so everyone can chomp on oil-saturated foods at KFC.