High school sex ed is supposed to teach you how to avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancies. You're supposed to learn how to properly put on a condom, how abortion works, how to determine consent, and what safe sex really means, anyway. These are important lessons for teens, who are almost assuredly planning on trying out sex with their peers (OK, fine, or just HOPING to try it out with their peers).
Unfortunately, high school sex ed leaves A LOT to be desired. And once you throw religion into the mix, the lessons often aren't just lacking, they're straight up bizarre. So we asked people to share the craziest things they learned in sex ed at a religious school.
Here are some of the strangest (and most unintentionally hilarious) things people experienced in sex ed:
Some people got a physical V card.
"[At my school], sex ed consists of 'Here is a golden card (think a Wal Mart gift card with no money). It's your V Card. Have a friend sign it and you sign it. That way they can hold you accountable for your abstinence from sex.' At least 25% of my graduating class had a child by graduation."
Others were probably put off wedding Pinterest boards forever.
"I distinctly remember one of my middle school science teachers telling me and the other girls in my class that if we had sex prior to marriage we wouldn’t be worthy of wearing a white dress on our wedding day. White was meant to symbolize our purity. He then proceeded to pass out a coloring sheet with the image of a bride on it and asked us to color the dress according to what it’d be on our wedding day if we had sex beforehand. He was later fired for countless instances of inappropriate behavior."
Sometimes the sex ed just involved shaming.
"My meanest teacher looked a girl (whose parents had a bad divorce) in the eyes and told her divorce was a sin."
There's plenty of misinformation about the pill. (And masturbation! It's all bad, apparently!)
"My teacher said birth control fucked up women's hormones for life even after they stopped using the pill. They also said, 'Any deliberate stimulation of the genitals without the intention of procreation is a mortal sin.' That's a quote I won't forget."
Apparently women just want abortions so they can look hot on cruises.
"My health teacher attempted to teach us abstinence, only giving up when two girls were visibly pregnant.
They also told us a story about how all the things we want to believe about abortion medically are true (it's safe and sometimes necessary), but that it was a moral slippery slope. It had moved from a law allowing for abortion for those who needed it and has become one for those who choose to do it for bad reasons. I distinctly remember this one story about a newlywed couple who found out they were pregnant but were going on a cruise, so they aborted the baby so the lady wasn't fat or uncomfortable."
Oh, but marital rape is impossible.
"A teacher literally explained it's your duty in marriage to have sex as a woman — even if you don't always want to."
Logic wasn't always found in these classes.
"Our teacher insisted the only way to go was NFP (natural family planning) and that's what he used... abortion is a mortal sin, deliberate stimulation is a sin, but NFP is somehow ok even though you're still having sex and avoiding pregnancy. The logic never made sense to me."
But there were... interesting visual displays.
"I had a former nun in grammar school who explained semen was the size of a grain of salt, which she did while holding out a handful of salt."
That's one way to turn people off sex.
These interviews have been edited and condensed for clarity.