The holidays come but once a year — and along with them, the obligation to spend your hard-earned money buying presents for people you actually hate.
Why leave those assorted jerks and dickheads off your list entirely, when you can low-key flame them with the most PERFECTLY passive-aggressive gift of all time? Here are 13 intensely shady gifts for people you secretly hate.
'Tis the season, after all.
A donation to The Human Fund.
Money for People = the original scam. ($5, Etsy)
A heinously difficult puzzle.
This Holiday season, remind your least favorite person of how dumb they are. It's an egg, right? Why can't you figure out an egg? ($35, Uncommon Goods)
The most disgusting booze in the world.
Malort tastes the way 2016 has felt — which is like poison had sex with a trash fire, then distilled itself into a liquor that will take paint off a barn door. Give this gift to someone you genuinely dislike, and have "It's a Chicago classic!" ready as an excuse. (Price varies; hit up a liquor store if you're of age).
For the office meninist.
A little something with which to groom their flourishing neckbeard. ($30, Amazon)
A lil something for the VERY VAIN.
Inspired by noted Hobbit and passive-aggressive gift king, Bilbo Baggins: "For Angelica's use, from Uncle Bilbo, on a round convex mirror. She was a young Baggins, and too obviously considered her face shapely." ($17, Amazon)
Are you saying they're on drugs? Are you saying they look tired? WHO KNOWS! This is the shady gift that encompasses it all. Bonus points if the jerk you give this to doesn't even have a tub. ($14, Amazon)
A (pointed) book.
If a "For Dummies" book is too obvious, say "Oh, I assume you haven't read anything since junior high" without saying a word with a copy of Animal Farm. Bonus if you give this to a total right-wing political wonk in 2016. ($22, Amazon)
Candy that tastes like fizzy pain and chalk: PERFECT. ($5, Amazon)
A (de) motivational paperweight.
This is better than the Nordstrom Rock in basically every way, as it's both gaudy AND implies the person is bad at their job. ($16, Amazon)
A hidden Queen Bee burn.
On the surface, it's a compliment. One layer down, and it's a test. ($10, Etsy)
A potato of the month subscription.
Is your giftee a subterranean lump? Give them the gift of OTHER subterranean lumps with a subscription to the Potato of the Month Club. (Starts at $39, Wood Prairie)
A reminder that THEY'RE AGING.
Because WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!?! This mask is pretty good, tho. ($32, Soko Glam)