The cast of "Gossip Girl" had some of the most iconic style and beauty looks in TV history. Name another TV show that did more for headbands, high-waisted shorts, and the cleavage rhombus — I'll wait.
But it turns out there's one thing about the cast of "Gossip Girl," which premiered in 2007, that REALLY doesn't hold up. You may not have noticed this at the time, but once you see it, you can't unsee it — no matter how hard you try.
Turns out that NOBODY in the cast of "Gossip Girl" filled in their eyebrows. Like, ever.
I understand that this show first aired in 2007, back before everyone and their grandmother were legally required to be Brow Goals at all times. But even back in the dark ages, when it was plausible that a bunch of rich teenagers could be cyberbullied by an online stalker for years and their parents were cool with it, brows were STILL not something you entirely neglected.
But let's review.
We first meet Serena van der Woodsen, noted blonde It Girl, on a train back to New York. And at first, her brows seem as perfect as the rest of her.
But like the character of Serena, her eyebrows have a DARK SECRET.
Her eyebrows' secret? As soon as she leaves the flattering light of the train to Grand Central, Serena's brows are revealed to be on the UNDONE side.
To be clear: I am not mocking the actors portraying these characters. I *am* pointing out a mystifying choice the show's makeup artists made on behalf of the "Gossip Girl" cast.
Her best friend and sometimes nemesis Blair Waldorf is never without a flawless full face of makeup... but completely undefined brows.
You cannot tell me that a perfection-obsessed queen bee like Blair would neglect to shape and fill her brows like this. It would get her kicked off the Met steps for sure.
Serena may have gone a little too far in the opposite direction and OVERplucked. These are not the eyebrows you want to bring to a high school power struggle.
But honestly, if you're meeting your best frenemy for an underage drinking party, wouldn't you want to have filled brows?
Blair is like "Yeah, my glossy lips will just have to do."
Spotted: S and B, burying the hatchet — but not picking up a brow pomade.
Little J, following in Blair and Serena's footsteps, also skipped any kind of brow enhancement.
Even when she later discovers heavy eyeliner, her brows remain thin. A bold aesthetic choice, J.
The only "Gossip Girl" character who was filling in her eyebrows from day one? Lily van der Woodsen, iconic queen.
Really, the only characters who have their brow game under control in the "Gossip Girl" pilot are the boys. Nate Archibald, for example, was CLEARLY a Glossier girl before Glossier was even a thing.
Dan Humphrey, seen here "meeting" Serena, is giving us a solid eyebrow performance, despite being an exceptionally creepy character.
I say "meeting" because, since it's eventually revealed that Dan "Lonely Boy" Humphries was Gossip Girl all along. So really, in the pilot he's coming face to face with the girl he's been stalking and harrassing online for years.
Whomst'ves among us, am I right?
I'm not going to discuss Chuck Bass' brows, as he attempted to rape two women in the pilot episode alone.
Rufus Humphrey, whom an ex-boyfriend of mine used to call "The lead singer of Creed," may have questionable taste in shirts — but his eyebrows are thick, full, and well-shaped.
Is Rufus daddy, though?
But there's always an exception. Go away, The Captain. Those are embezzlement eyebrows if ever I've seen them.
As Blair glares us into the night, let us reflect on the cast of "Gossip Girl" and the 2007 eyebrow failure that doomed all their characters.
Can we truly judge these characters for the brow sins committed in 2007? We have all had embarrassing eyebrow episodes in our past — I personally plucked almost all of my brows out in 2010, a crime I have still not yet recovered from.
So let us now fast forward six seasons to 2012, and the final episode of "Gossip Girl" EVER — and let's see how (or if) the eyebrow situation has improved.
By the series finale of "Gossip Girl," Nate has improved his haircut, and still has killer eyebrows.
I bet he was an early Glossier investor.
Dan Humphrey, who is like 30 minutes away from being unmasked as Gossip Girl, has some kind of cute curls... but his brows seem a little sparse, and haven't been filled in.
Eyebrow glow down?
Blair is having emotions, and still refuses to do her eyebrows! What! Is! Going! On!
WHAT ARE YOUR CHOICES, WALDORF?
Even for her own wedding, Blair is like "Yep, gonna spend six hours styling this updo and wear an expensive dress... but whatever, my eyebrows? Who cares."
By 2012, everyone was obsessed with eyebrows. Blair may not have ever gone for full Instagram brows, but she would have done more than this.
Serena's eyebrows are still too cool to care, but AS IF this character would not have gone to get microblading done in Paris or something.
Here's Chuck's eyebrows, and they're... *drifts off*
Kristen Bell, playing herself playing the voice of Gossip Girl, has the best brows of anyone on the Upper East Side in 2012.
And I mean, you can *try* to tell me this wasn't a secret "The Good Place" crossover, but I don't think I'll believe you.
Truly, the latter seasons of "Gossip Girl" were like being punished.
Anyway! Now we skip ahead to five years in the future. Blair and Chuck made a kid, and she is wearing the same purple eye shadow she was wearing back in 2012. Her eyebrows are still not filled in.
And this is truly where I can no longer suspend my disbelief. It's now 2017 in the show's timeline, and Blair Waldorf-Bass, Manhattan society personality and ??? (I'm still not clear on what she does in the future), is still walking around with those imaginary eyebrows.
I SAID GOOD DAY.
Dan Humphrey, who confessed to being Gossip Girl, and by extension to bullying and tormenting Serena in particular FIVE YEARS AGO, is... marrying her? The target of his horrific, sustained online abuse?
No wonder this characters' brows are looking so sparse. You do evil shit, and your eyebrows will LEAVE YOU.
Only 2017 Serena, on her wedding day, has filled and shaped her brows. Just in time to marry her former stepbrother.
As the curtains close on our long-suffering "Gossip Girl" eyebrow characters, somewhere on the Upper East Side, a brand new Serena...
...And a brand new Blair. Thus, the cycle of peculiar eyebrows continues.
xoxo, Kristen Bell.