"Fifty Shades of Grey" is a full-blown phenomenon built on the idea that women want to fuck Christian Grey, a shockingly handsome and very controlling millionaire (who's actually just broken inside and needs someone to heal him!). And judging by his hordes of avid fans, this is a reasonable hypothesis. 

But while fans may find Christian unbelievably sexy, it may be time we all admit he says some really ridiculous, not-that-sexy things. I mean, just look at these quotes from the "Fifty Shades" franchise (both movies and books) that have come out of his mouth before, during, and after sex:

"Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick."

christian grey
photo: Universal Studios

"Music to my dick" sounds like it came from a Lonely Island song.

"I do hope you're not overly fond of these panties."

Christian Grey
photo: Universal Studios

I really love when Christian Grey, a reasonably young American man growing up in the 2000s, starts speaking like a fussy British lord with a porcelain teacup in one hand and a dusty candelabra in the other. 

(Psst! Read about our experience trying official '50 Shades' lingerie here)

"I don't make love... I fuck. Hard."

Christian Grey
photo: Universal Studios

Er, well then.

"Put the chicken in the fridge."

Nothing about handling half-frozen, E.Coli-drenched chicken is sexy. Please ask her to wash her hands first!!!

"I could watch you sleep forever, Ana."

Christian Grey
photo: Universal Studios

Yes, that is definitely romantic and certainly doesn't sound like someone who is longing for your untimely death so they can keep your silent corpse propped up in their room "Psycho"-style. Nope! Just sweet and normal!

"I was serious about marrying you. Then we can get to know each other."

YES, this is exactly how courtship and marriage work. This is the correct sequence of things.

"I drape my right leg over her leg, holding her in place. I've wanted to do this since she asked me if I was gay."

Christian Grey
photo: Universal Studios

Honestly, it seems like there are some psychological implications to unpack here. You wanted to have domineering sex with a girl... because she thought you were gay? Talk about fragile masculinity.

"I'm going to make you come like a freight train, baby."

Christian Grey
photo: Universal Studios

Choo-choo?

(Psst! Here's a sex rule you DON'T need to follow

“Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?"    

"Kinky fuckery." This is how people talk, E.L. James. Yes.

"And... swallowing semen. You get an A in that."

Christian Grey
photo: Universal Studios

OMG, Ana! You passed the exam!

"I don't know whether to worship at your feet or spank the living shit out of you."

Seems like two drastically different options.

“I want you to become well-acquainted, on first-name terms, if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

photo: Universal Studios

Again, this is so ludicrously formal and over-the-top, and I LOVE IT. That's Mr. Grey's Dick to you, Ana. Please wait until the fifth time you've come calling to refer to him familiarly, as custom dictates.

(Psst! Also check out: 13 ridiculous things Jamie from 'Outlander' said during sex)

"My balls could have the sherbet licked clean off."

No comment.

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