fifty shades of grey movie christian and anastasia
photo: Splash News

I must confess, dear readers — my knowledge of "Fifty Shades of Grey," compared to yours, is minimal. 

I've read the first of E.L. James' books — and "Grey," for some reason —  but I have a hard time with James' prose, so I couldn't get past the first 50-odd pages of "Fifty Shades Darker." I am excited for the upcoming final two installments of the "Fifty Shades" film franchise, however, and therefore eagerly viewing each and every paparazzi photo uploaded from its Vancouver set onto Splash News dot com. (Whoever said paps are completely useless? Certainly not Kanye!!!)

I still don't know what's going on in said photos, but I have a pretty damn good guess or 10. Check out some theories below, and be sure to let me know how right I am in the comments!

1

Christian and Ana will resolve their differences over dinner ...

photo: Splash News

"Remember that time you beat me with a paddle?"

2

... But apparently, not for long.

photo: Splash News

Stories about Mrs. Robinson and vaguely sketched-out Fortune 500 companies can only be interesting for so long.

3

Christian will almost definitely take up umbrella street golf.

photo: Splash News

Christian, feeling the sting of a post-quarterlife, pre-midlife crisis, decides to take up some new hobbies when his relationship with Anastasia makes him feel trapped. Umbrella golf is all the rage in Seattle.

4

Anastasia will TRY to teach Christian how to whistle.

photo: Splash News

Christian tries to amp up his social portfolio by joining a doo-wop group, but when Anastasia hears him try to whistle, she just can't help but LAUGH IN HIS FACE.

5

Christian will dance to "SHOUT!" at an upscale-casual boat party.

fifty shades of grey set photos
photo: Splash News

Judging from his jubilant, hoppy moves and devil-may-care attitude, I'm going to guess that this is not a fancy, Grey Enterprises-caliber party. Bar Mitzvah, maybe? Christian has Jewish friends. They have kids.

6

Christian will kidnap Anastasia off the street and send her home to change when he catches her wearing UGGS in public.

fifty shades darker set pics
photo: Splash News

This she deserves. Anyone wearing UGGS outside of a laundry room could use a fashion intervention of this caliber.

7

Ana will meet her doppelgänger.

photo: Splash News

WAIFY BRUNETTES IN NEUTRAL TONES UNITE!!

(Don't think I don't notice the UGGS.)

8

Christian will take a supposedly stress-free ride on his chopper ...

photo: Splash News

Oh great, cool, he knows what he's doing.

9

... And then die. Anastasia will have a new love interest in "Freed." This doesn't appear to be something one comes back from.

photo: Splash News

RIP, Christian. I'd say "I'll miss you," but I'm still mad about that "showing up unannounced in Georgia" thing from the last movie. What was that, dude?

10

Christian's brother from "True Blood" and Lexi from "The Vampire Diaries" will pick out flowers for his funeral.

photo: Splash News

Wait, why are THEY hanging out? Was she in the first one, and I missed it? What happened to the oh-so-perfect Katherine Kavanaugh? Did Christian finally kill her?! (Again, I've read "Grey," you guys. He hates her.)

11

Christian will probably leave Anastasia another goddamn car in his will.

photo: Splash News

GET THE HINT, GREY. THE LADY DOESN'T WANT A CAR.