I have always been the type to value comfort over sex appeal.
Heels were ditched for sneakers by the time I hit 22 when I realized nothing was worth the blood and blisters, and I'm pretty sure I haven't purchased a thong since Bush Jr. was in the White House.
However, I also have read "Fifty Shades of Grey," so when I heard that the London-based lingerie and sex toy shop Coco de Mer had released a line of bras, undies, garters, and "playsuits" inspired by Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey's lascivious love affair, I had to see if upping my undergarment game would wake up my dormant inner goddess.
Here's what they gave me from "Red Room of Pain."
Meet the "Fifty Shades Darker" by Coco Red Room Suspenders (£25), Red Room G-string (£15), and Red Room Balcony Bra (£35); all of which can be purchased here.
I'd be remiss if I didn't note that the night I received the collection, I had a Tier 1 meltdown in my bedroom trying to physically try the stuff on.
Thank you to Revelist Managing Editor Lauren Gordon and Assistant Producer Brittany Fowler for not laughing at me.
To my face, at least.
The bra was actually comfortable as HELL, and even the thong was soft and lovely — I just would never, ever recommend running across New York City streets because you're late to work while wearing thigh highs and a garter.
One thing I will note about this lingerie is it begs to be worn with heels — which, as I mentioned earlier, I hate about as much as we learned Christian Grey hates Kate Kavanaugh in "Grey."
So basically, add the awkward-to-get-used-to garter stuff with black pumps, and my butt was yearning for jeans and sneakers by 9 a.m.
Sorry, mom and dad — but yeah, that shit was AWKWARD.
Here's what I learned about garter straps by the end of this experiment:
1. Take a few deep breaths before putting them on for the first time. It's gonna get weird.
2. Sit down while putting them on. Otherwise, you will look insane and your roommate will laugh at you.
3. Do not let your cat ANYWHERE NEAR YOU while putting them on. She WILL make it difficult.
4. Adjust the straps so they're at their longest before you attach them to your pantyhose. Then stand and readjust as needed.
5. Try not to take yourself too seriously. You definitely look sexier than you think you do.
I wouldn't exactly say that my Inner Goddess was doing somersaults after Day One — ESPECIALLY since a date I had that night last minute canceled.
True, this is because dating is occasionally the worst and not because of my underwear, but the disappointment undoubtedly skewered the results from Day One of this experiment.
Day Two, however, is when I slipped on the Escala dress ... and, well, that's when something changed.
The Escala dress is AWESOME.
I wore this dang thing TO the office with nothing but a black skirt and a tiny little jacket (not pictured) over it as to not traumatize my coworkers, and I was pretty much feeling myself all day.
I also took off the jacket and wore it to drinks later that night, which I would 100 percent do again without complaint.
My coworker Brittany and I scheduled a photoshoot for Day Two — and while I am plenty used to sharing my opinions on TV and movies online, I am NOT used to putting myself out there in a "sexy" way on the internet.
But when I got in our photo studio and began posing like a geek for these "sexy" photos, something weird happened: My "Inner Goddess" woke the fuck up and told me to remember everything I've done over the past calendar year.
To keep it short, this past April I hit the big 3-0. My weight has always fluctuated between "a bit bony" and "petite-ly fluffy" depending on my stress level, but really, the problem has always been my own crappy lifestyle choices. I drank (a lot), I didn't sleep enough, in my mid-20s I experimented with some not-so-great drugs, and overall, I pretty much spent an entire decade of my life not taking care of myself the way I deserved to.
Then 30 happened, and I did something "stupid" on a whim — I signed up to run a half marathon. And throughout my months of training, I embraced exercise, sleep, healthy food, self-love, and body positivity like never before.
I'm no longer in my 20s, I don't have a boyfriend, and I STILL probably drink more than I should (hey, it's New York City!) but getting sexy for two whole days via "Fifty Shades" and Coco de Mer made me realize that having a fit body is really fucking awesome.
As I told Brittany when we wrapped up the shoot, "I feel like I could choke a man to death with my thighs."
I don't think Anastasia Steele would approve of that sort of activity, but my Inner Goddess thinks being fit, strong, and happy the way I am is pretty freaking awesome.
I can't wait to wear the red bra-and-panties set — just maybe without the garter – and ESPECIALLY the Escala dress again. But for now, I'm just happy to be back in my favorite outfit.
I never thought I'd say this, but thanks "Fifty Shades of Grey" for reminding me that even lifelong nerds embracing their inner jock can be sexy.
Now all I need is the handsome billionaire.