Jerking off! Rubbing one out! Beating the meat! It's a thing that people do. It's part of our DNA, and humans have been doing it forever. In ancient Egypt, male masturbation was considered a "magical" or "creative" act; in ancient Greece, female masturbation was outwardly encouraged as a great way to relax.
Masturbation has brought many a man and woman relief and pleasure over the years and, according to these songs, much inspiration, too. It really makes you wonder why the hell self-pleasure is still widely perceived as taboo in our puritanical American culture ...
... But not in pop music! No, in pop music, masturbation really gets the credit it deserves. Here are 10 songs you probably didn't know were about masturbation, but totally are:
"Feelin' Myself" by Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj
This earth-shattering Nicki Minaj/Beyoncé collab boasts self-empowerment and, like the title proclaims, is about feelin' yourself — but it is also about, like, literally feelin' yourself. As in, masturbating.
Look here for these clever lines by Nicki:
"Bitch, never left but I'm back at it
And I'm feelin' myself, jack rabbit
Feelin' myself, back off, cause I'm feelin' myself, jack off
Heard he thinks about me when he whacks off
Whacks on? Wax off."
In other words, since Nicki's loving herself, dudes everywhere are feeling themselves — if you know what I mean.
"Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down
Remember this 2002 3 Doors Down hit, "Here Without You?" Romantic, right? Well, no. TBH this song is actually very creepy. Please read the chorus and take a closer look:
"I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, it's only you and me."
DREAMS. Wet dreams. Fantasies. Yep. This is totally about Brad Arnold jerking off. Sorry for that visual, but now you know. And now all your middle school dances are ruined.We promise this is the creepiest song on this list — so let's move it along now.
"Kicks" by FKA Twigs
This swagger-jacker by genius FKA Twigs is about feeling good without a man. It is also about making yourself feel good without a man. Reminiscent, weirdly, of Britney's classic masturbation song "The Touch Of My Hand," in "Kicks" FKA is not flirting with anyone — she's just acting like a boss, and owning the fact that she likes to get off.
"When I'm alone (Lone, lone)Come through, queen.
I don't need you (You, you)
I love my touch
Know just what to do
So, I tell myself it's cool to get my kicks like you, just like you
I just touch myself and say
"I'll make my own damn way"
Own damn way"
"Love Myself" by Hailee Steinfeld
Where does Hailee Steinfeld get off writing a debut single about masturbation?! That's what many lame conservatives said when she released this song. When you watch the video to "Love Myself," it really does come across as a do-you, be-you kind of song — it's upbeat, self-affirming, and catchy af. When you dissect the lyrics, you'll notice it's about a little more than that:
"When I get chills at nightOkay, so maybe the song uses the sex metaphor for mental and emotional self-love, but still, it's clever and fun, and reminds you that masturbating IS NOT TABOO, it's HEALTHY AND NORMAL.
I feel it deep inside without you, yeah
Know how to satisfy
Keeping that tempo right without you, yeah
Pictures in my mind on replay
I'm gonna touch the pain away
I know how to scream my own name
Scream my name"
"Body Of My Own" by Charli XCX
This touching yourself ode off Charli XCX's 2014 album "SUCKER" is awesome because it's also a revenge song. Charli is pissed that whoever she's been hanging with can't get her off:
"You're so damn cold
You've got no feelin'
I want my blood hotter
I need to taste it
Your sex is so over"
Soo she decides to take things into her own hands —
"Got the gun in my handBONUS: This would also make a great addition to your workout playlist.
And I'm pointing straight
To the target and
I'm gonna blow my brakes
I don't need you
My touch is better
I'm rollin' much harder"
"You're Makin' Me High" by Toni Braxton
Okay, so at first glance, this 1996 Toni Braxton song MUST be about masturbating, right? I mean, the first glance makes it SUPER obvious:
"I can imagine youWelp, not so fast — in a 2012 episode of VH1's "Behind the Music," Braxton admitted that the inspiration behind this song was actually marijuana — not masturbation:
Touching my private parts
With just the thought of you
I can't help but touch my self
That's why I want you so bad"
"A week before [writing the song], I was introduced to marijuana, and I got high for the first time. [..] In the bridge, I’m singing ‘I want to feel your heart and soul inside of me / Let’s make a deal you roll, I lick / And we can go flying into ecstasy,' I was talking about [smoking a joint]," Braxton said.
Welp. Okay. We're not entirely convinced, so this is staying on our playlist.
"If" by Janet Jackson
"If" is the second single off Jackson's 1993 album "Janet." It's about what she would do to a boy she's crushin' on:
"How many nights I've laid in bedGood to know Janet Jackson has imagination, and doesn't rely on porn to get her off.
Excited over you?
I've closed my eyes and thought of us
A hundred different ways
I've gotten there so many times
I wonder how 'bout you
Day and night, night and day"
"B.O.B" by Macy Gray
Please get acquainted with this song NOOOW. R&B queen Macy Gray's song "B.O.B" is an ode to her vibrator. No, seriously:
"He fits like a glove
Always up for love
Steady like a caterpillar
Rabbit from a hat
He knows just where it's at
Give me what I want
and I want that"
Just so you know, B stands for Battery, O stands for Operated, and B stands for "Better," because Macy Gray's vibrator is better than a dick.
"It's Only Me (The Wizard Of Magicland)" by Barenaked Ladies
Woo, throwback to the 90s! We decided to include this example of a song about male masturbation to even out the creepiness of 3 Doors Down. This song is just really cute and sad, and I really want to set up a Tinder for Jim Creeggan after listening to this, TBH:
"You can say I've tried everything,
I save on my wedding ring,
Who knows me half as well as me?!
I'm not antisocial, and it's nothing that's reproachful
It's just natural! - It's only me!
I can't think of anybody else I'd rather spend some one on one time with
It's not that hard to see,
It's only me."
"I Don't Need No Man" by The Pussycat Dolls
This 2006 single from the PCD is sort of like their version of Destiny's Child's "Independent Woman" — it's all "get out of my face, dude, I don't need you, I can provide for myself" and all that.
"I don't need a man to make it happenGet it, Pussycat Dolls. Just wish your group name wasn't Pussycat Dolls, because that's some male pandering if I've ever heard it.
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around"