bubble nails

This is happening.

photo: Hex Nails

Unsurprising confession: I am nail-obsessed.

I also have a weird thing with shape and texture. If something is lumpy, angular, or furry when it shouldn't be, I'll run away screaming into the night.

Which is why I was the perfect candidate to research bizarre nail trends, ranking them by how badly each made me want to crawl out of my own skin.

Let's delve into the weird, weird world of extreme nail art, shall we?

11. Aquarium nails.

Glitter and charms, suspended in oil, moving around on your fingers all day? Distracting, yes. Bizarre, sure. But damn, that's hypnotic.

10. Pom pom nails.

A photo posted by @palemoonseattle on

They're weird, and they probably breed bacteria like crazy, and they probably make it hard to wash your hands, but they're kind of cute? I guess?

9. Duck nails.

A photo posted by @h_bear_rt on

Defined as square-shaped acrylic nails that are wider at the tip than the base, duck nails had a brief moment of fame thanks to Snooki and the "Jersey Shore" girls. This shape makes me feel very uncomfortable.

8. Pierced nails.

A photo posted by Penny Nail (@penny_nail) on

I tried this in the '90s, and it was not a notable success then, either. It's the holes more than the charms, I think? Although the thought of those little danglers CLICK-CLICK-CLICKING against my nail bed fills me with horror.

7. Polish mountain.

Inspired by the blogger who layered 116 coats of polish onto her nails, #polishmountain has become a challenge of sorts for the lacquer-obsessed elite. I'm not ranking it higher because it's not a real life trend yet, and because it only gave me vaguely revolted chills. Unlike our next contestant...

6. Hole-y nails.

A photo posted by LV Nail Bar (@lvnailbar) on

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOOOOOOOOOOOPE. THINGS CAN GET STUCK IN THERE. YUCK. NO. WHY.

5. Hump nails.

I feel nauseous imagining running my fingers over these bizarre lumps. Goodbye, cruel world.

4. Scorpion nails.

A photo posted by Kate (@katealbano) on

I've seen the process by which these nails are done, and I have only one question: Jesus suffering fuck, WHY?

3. Succulent nails.

So this is currently a trend of one, meaning only one person is doing it so far, but dudes. IT IS WEIRD. The technique is as follows: take teeny, tiny succulent plants. Use plant-glue to stick them onto acrylic nails. Glue the nails to your hands. Take a photo. Remove the nails, then the succulents, and plant the living things in dirt. Look, I am all for doing it for the 'gram, but WHY. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY BOTHERRRRRR?

2. Bubble nails.

This makes me want to liquefy my entire body a la Alex Mack and live as a fingerless puddle of goo for the rest of my life. I CANNOT with this. It has rendered me unable to can.

So why was this not ranked the #1 grossest nail trend? Because this exists. Proudly presenting...

1. Werewolf nails, the most crazy-go-nuts nail trend EVER.

A photo posted by @youcamapps on

Have you ever looked at your fingers and been like "Hey, I wish these were COVERED IN FUR FOR NO REASON?" Good news!

Seriously, if you can look at this without shuddering, you're a better woman than I.

What is YOUR least favorite nail trend? What shape can't you look at without visibly cringing?

Let me know right here in the comments, or over on Facebook!