"All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing." — Ecclesiastes, 1:8
They say the Earth was born from chaos, a frenzy of atoms, a big bang.
Today, November 9, represents the death of one era and the birth of another. It is a funeral for the tomfoolery of man. At the same time, it's a chance for humans to finally redeem themselves after millennia of war, hate, and truly embarrassing shit (lookin' at you, cargo shorts).
It's with a heavy heart that I write this obituary for 2016 election, which will be missed by no one, except liquor store owners who probably made a killing.
The 2016 election ended in the same way the world began — with sound and fury.
The unprecedented trash tsunami came mostly from Donald Trump — a racist clementine and businessman. He had some successes, most notably convincing Americans that he is capable of running a country better than anyone else, including Hillary Clinton.
Taking his failures in stride — the disastrous Trump Steaks, his fraudulent Trump University, his Duane Reade sunless tanner, and now-trademark Trump misogyny — the clementine discovered something remarkable: If you validate angry white people, they will give you money — and their votes.
And give they did.
Now, 17 months later, he is the president.
On June 16, 2015, Trump officially declared that he would run for president.
The debates were so chaotic that John Kasich, the human embodiment of wide-leg jorts, seemed reasonable. Some of his competitors, like Ted Cruz, tried to land jabs at Trump, but his blows were promptly disposed in the Trumpster Dumpster. In fact, the businessman just hit back harder — he claimed Cruz's father helped assassinate president Kennedy, and even sparked a Twitter war on the hotness — or lack thereof — of his wife.
One by one, the GOP contenders dropped until only Trump remained.
But from the ashes of the Republican failures, a slightly-less-wounded phoenix emerged: the Democrats.
This cast of candidates was nothing like the JV-team Republicans. Hillary Clinton, a former secretary of state, first lady, and life-long public servant came to slay (minus that whole e-mail thing). Her competitors, Lincoln Chaffee and Martin O'Malley seemed like reasonable people — they could sit at the Big Kids' Table with her.
But ultimately, they lacked the charisma of their garbage fire Republican contender, Donald Trump, and paid the price for it.
Vermont senator Bernie Sanders challenged Clinton —the only woke Democratic candidate who truly challenged Clinton who could.
No one expected the 75-year-old Vermont senator to shake things up.
He preached about universal health care, tuition-free college education, paid family leave and child care. He summoned birds and shit. Historically, he was one of the only major party candidates to introduce Democratic Socialism into a presidential race.
Soon enough, it was Trump versus Clinton — and the (pussy's) claws were out.
While the candidates were duking it out on-and-off the debate stage, a slew of seriously disturbing info about Donald Trump became public.
First, former Miss Universe Alicia Machado publicly announced that Donald Trump fat-shamed her after the competition, which he owned. He called her "Miss Housekeeping," "Miss Piggy," and other degrading names.
Donald Trump, who may or may not think "bigly" is a word, seemed totally chill about his disparaging remarks — and even defended them.
“She was the winner and you know, she gained a massive amount of weight and it was a real problem," he told "Fox and Friends" in September. "We had a real problem,”
But because we live in "The Twilight Zone" now, things somehow got worse.
On October 7, a 2005 Access Hollywood conversation between host Billy Bush and Donald Trump surfaced. The two having a lewd conversation on a hot mic, in which Trump bragged about how he can "grab [women] by the pussy" because he's famous.
Despite international outrage, Trump chalked the whole thing up to "locker room talk." His wife, Melania, dismissed her (then) 59-year-old husband's remarks as "boy talk."
Amid this absolute shit storm, at least 13 women came forward to accuse Trump of sexually assaulting them. He denied all accusations and even threatened to sue the women.
"Katie Johnson," one of Trump's accusers, claimed he raped her in 1994 when she was 13. She and her attorney have since dropped the charges, but did not explain the reasoning to Revelist.
But on November 8, this garbage fire grew into a full-on wildfire.
Though Nate Silver, The New York Times, and this psychic goat all predicted Clinton would win, Trump became our newest president-elect. He garnered 279 electoral college votes, despite losing the popular vote by a small margin.
"[I've] never been as wrong on anything on my life," David Plouffe, Obama's 2008 campaign manager, tweeted. "Sobriety about what happened tonight is essential."
For a nation that's spent the last year drowning our sorrows in wine, gin, and possibly 4Loko, all that's left is a deep sense of soberness. It's a numbness that sticks to your bones — a callous on your soul.
"I am deeply afraid for all women, people of color, Muslims, and LGBT+ people," actor and advocate Brandon Evers wrote on Twitter. "A Trump presidency will put them in (even more) danger on a daily basis."
Parents of young daughters, who hoped their children would witness the first female president, are at a loss for words.
"Barely slept," Alex Zalben, managing editor at TV Guide, wrote on Facebook. "Made pancakes for my kids. Cried with my daughter."
"So. Time to fight."
Let's raise a glass to the ones we lost:
- Facebook friends from high school who outed themselves as Trump supporters
- Jeb!'s dignity
- Several $20 bills, spent on boxes of red wine
- Our collective sanity
May this shit show rest in peace.