It's September 1, so you know what that means: Summer is over for the wizarding world, and all the little witches and wizards in England must return to their beloved school on the express train to Hogwarts.
But even though getting a Hogwarts acceptance letter has been the dream of every book-reading nerd on the planet since the early '90s, let's face it: We 21st-century muggles have become accustomed to a certain level of technological luxury that we simply could not stand to do without. For example, we wouldn't be able to live with no...
Something tells me that giant castle doesn’t even have a suitable 3G network.
You'd definitely be able to ween yourself off of the need for likes and follows after a while, but the first time you ironically use the phrase “hashtag blessed” out loud, your magical-born classmates are going to think you’re insane.
All technological items within the vicinity of Hogwarts start to go wonky, so even though you’ll probably be walking through 5 miles of moving staircases every day on your way to class, it’ll all be for nothing.
I said all technological items, and that certainly includes whatever music-playing device you own. Say goodbye to all your podcasts.
What are you going to do, read in your spare time?
God help you poor quill-using nerds if any of you are left-handed. You might as well tattoo your hand in black smudges because that’s what it’s going to look like for the entirety of your educational career.
Don’t even play like anybody at Hogwarts has heard of pamplemousse-flavored seltzer. That seems like way more of a Beaubatons thing.
Physical activity of any kind
Sure, you could join the Quidditch team, but doesn’t anybody at Hogwarts pair off during their free time for a quick round of basketball or soccer? Tennis? Anything? Is there any part of the grounds where you could hike or run or swim without possibly getting mauled by a magical creature?
Let’s hope some your housemates brought their pets with them.
Pumpkin spice latte
You can drink all the pumpkin juice you like, but frankly it’s just not the same as the sugary-artificial not-quite-pumpkin flavor. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.
On the plus side, what little information you’ll recall from watching “Bill Nye The Science Guy” in your youth will astound and confound your classmates. Gather ‘round, fellow Ravenclaws, while I explain to you all the miracle of tectonic plates!
Pop culture references
Nerds are already pretty used to no one getting their “Star Wars” jokes, but at the very least their usual audience has heard of “Star Wars.”
Okay, to be fair, you could probably throw a Snuggie in your trunk and everyone else would think it were some odd brand of sweatpants robes.
(h/t to Kendra James on Twitter for planting the seed of this idea in our heads this morning)