Over the last 23 years, I have evaluated and re-evaluated how I see myself as a multiracial person. I can remember being 4 or 5 years old and feeling no different than my white grandmother.
However, I felt white when my mom brought my sister and me to the Philippines to visit her family. I remember feeling so different from my cousins and aunts. I remember being told not to speak English in cabs or airports, so strangers wouldn't try to kidnap us when they realized we weren't fully Filipino.
But my identity formation changed when I started school. I felt vastly different from my peers.
I did not feel white, especially when compared to the predominantly-white middle-class background that most of my friends and classmates came from. I remember hearing "You're smart because you're Asian" whenever I got into gifted and talented classes and took exams to possibly skip a grade.
I wasn't quite sure where I sat on the white/Asian spectrum, and I didn't feel like I could talk to my parents about it.
Theoretically, someone who's multiracial should be a strong proxy for talking about race. They should have the ability to talk to their white family about deconstructing white privilege while also speaking from the perspective of a person of color.
Theoretically.
But I struggle, even though I identify myself as both white and Filipino.
And I'm not alone. Seven women, who all identify as multiracial, can also explain what it's like to talk to their white families about race.
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