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Amanda is world famous for her roses, and I like flowers, so roses it was.

Are you surprised that I, “Black Swan”-level control freak that I am, would be chill to the point of a coma over a tattoo that would go on my body forever? Because I was.

Seriously. There were a few depigmented patches and deep scars on my back that I definitely wanted covered, so the design incorporated those. I don’t really do color in my wardrobe, so we kept it grayscale.

Everything else was entirely up to her. I didn't see the finished design until I walked in for my first appointment — and it was perfect.

The entire tattoo took 9.5 hours spread out over two appointments. The first session was the outline, and I will not tell a lie, it hurt like a comprehensive bastard.

Pain is, of course, subjective — but this was four hours of red-hot agony during which I honestly wished I could just leave my body or pass out. I told myself over and over that everything beautiful is worth suffering for, but oh my God, this was SO MUCH SUFFERING.

A week later, and I had gone through the itchiness, scabbiness, and peeling that (glamorously) accompanies a large-scale tattoo, and looked like this — and I stepped into a whole new world.

You may not think you spend a lot of time thinking about your own back, looking at it, or touching it — but believe me, you do. I know this because, once this outline was down, I could no longer avoid doing any of those things.

I had to moisturize my new tattoo and feel the rough acne scars under my fingers.

I had to look in the mirror to make sure the entire thing was healing properly, without silently hating the brown moles and freckles.

I had to touch my back for the first time in my entire life, and allow my back to be touched by others — and it was truly strange. I realized how much I’d been actively avoiding because of my insecurity.

Though not all the aspects of this brave new world were awesome. I quickly realized that being visibly tattooed as a woman means being constantly, exhaustingly on your guard.

photo: Giphy

This is not news to any woman or femme-identifying person in the world ever, but people feel ESPECIALLY entitled to your body when you have tattoos. The first day that my tattoo was visible, a complete stranger stroked her hand down my back ever so lovingly, then looked shocked when I turned around and told her to cram it with walnuts.

People who feel like they can touch you without your consent are an entire other post, but for now, I’ll say — DO NOT stroke, grab, or touch people’s tattoos. It’s fucking weird.

A month later I went in for another session, this time on shading — and the tattoo was finished!

Luckily, shading was a lot better, pain-wise — but I learned a few new things. Everyone knows that tattooing over scars hurts quite a bit more than over “normal” skin, but did you also know that tattooing over vitiligo patches is painful enough to make a grown-ass woman cry?

Because that was a surprise for me.

Once again, Amanda was a wonderful champion who talked to me about Taco Bell, The Presets, and dogs while she shaded my roses and made me feel even more beautiful. Five and a half hours later, I was shaking all over and was slowly going into shock — but my roses were officially done.

It’s been nearly three months now, and this tattoo has changed my entire life.

rose tattoo alle connell
photo: B Fowler / Revelist

I love it.

I couldn’t be happier.

My biggest insecurity has gone from being a mess of emotional pain and spiritual ugliness into something truly beautiful.

I haven't tried to put makeup on my back ONCE since I got it done — and I'm wearing clothes that show my back like you would not believe.

A year ago, I'd have rather DIED than wear a dress that showed this much of my back to a black tie wedding — now, here I am.

This tattoo has taken my biggest insecurity and turned it into something that I LOVE showing off.

rose tattoo back
photo: B Fowler / Revelist

I no longer check to make sure every dress I buy has a high back. I no longer panic if someone gently touches my shoulder blade.

And, while I’m not exactly “over” the years of mocking and self-hatred, this glorious tattoo has at least helped me put it in perspective — far, far away.