For Bachelor Nation fans, one of the most exciting parts of the season is getting to know the new suitors on the show. And now that ABC has just revealed the newest women for the 24th season of The Bachelor, fans are eager to get acquainted with the ladies that will be vying for roses. The new Bachelor will be revealed tonight at the Bachelor in Paradise live finale, and I will be firmly parked in front of the TV, tuning into ABC at 8 p.m. EST.
But meanwhile, as I excitedly pored over ABC's photos of the season 24 women, I couldn't help but notice a tragedy unfolding before my eyes. All of the new women seem lovely, and I can't wait to get to know them, but they've been done so dirty by whoever styled this photo shoot. Their outfits are … awful. Like, really really bad. 911? Yes, hello, I would like to report several fashion crimes taking place, because these looks are considered especially heinous.
Let's take a look at the dreckitude below.
Jenna S. from New Lenox, IL, let me rescue you from this dress.
First of all, I would like to point out that this teal background is doing no one any favors. Second, I totally understand that press photos need to be plain, simple, and eye-catching, which is a challenge for any art department.
But mostly, I want to extend my deepest apologies to Jenna S., who, although she has a gorgeous skin tone, was forced to wear a burgundy dress in front of this painful teal background, rendering her appallingly bland. You can look at this photo, but you can't see it, because there is nothing of substance to see. When Entertainment Weekly's Tom Sinclair reviewed the song "Breakfast at Tiffany's," he called it "distressingly prosaic," "innocuous," and "lacking any musical piquancy, this is … namby-pamby." This dress is the equivalent of the "Breakfast at Tiffany's" song.
Justice for Mykenna D. from Langely, BC, Canada.
I feel for Mykenna D., I really do. You can tell she loves the color pink, but she drew the smallest straw and was forced to pick through the leftovers on the wardrobe styling rack. "This is the worst game of White Elephant ever," she muttered to herself, as she slipped into this cotton-candy situation that is two sizes too big. "I better get a rose for putting up with this."
Eunice C. from Chicago, blink twice if you need to be rescued!
Eunice C. was in a hostage situation. She was being held in the Bachelor mansion without access to Instagram unless she complied with ABC's demands to wear this dress for press photo day. Eunice pleaded with the producers, crying, "But I brought my own clothes!" Alas, they would not be swayed. Knowing that the producers would give her the villain edit if she didn't obey instructions, Eunice begrudgingly changed into this coral dress with elbow-length sleeves, Swiss dots, and a ruffle hem that is doing the absolute most.
After the photo shoot, Eunice cleansed herself by scrolling through Rihanna's best Met Gala looks.
Payton M. from Wellesley, MA, fared marginally better, but that's not saying much.
Remember going-out tops? These were ~flirty~ tops that looked good with nothing except a pair of distressed designer jeans with logos splashed across the butt. Your suburban party aunt loved them and still has a closet full of paisley-splashed going-out tops with halter necks. You know the ones!
Payton M. was given an unfortunate black ruched going-out top with spaghetti tie straps, making her look like she's getting ready for karaoke at Alice's Lounge. After watching hockey at the dive bar on the corner, of course, where she pranked some out-of-towners with shots of Malört. "It's a delicious local drink, you'll love it!," she said to the hapless visitors, then cackled as they swallowed the agonizing gutter swill. Payton was at least kind enough to buy them a round of vodka tonics to chase down the Malört's distinct wormwood essence.
Jasmine N. from Houston, TX, who did this to you??
Jasmine N.'s outfit was styled by someone with Cobrasnake photos circa 2004 on their moodboard. We have a three-tiered ruffled hem skirt, folks. We have a tucked-in silky camisole that does not fit. We have an outfit for an electroclash party DJed by the Misshapes. The only things missing are the slouchy white ankle boots and black kohl eyeliner (in the waterline, of course).
Coming to you live from Bachelor Nation, it's Sydney H. from Birmingham, AL, with this season's weather report.
"Hello, I'm Sydney H., and thanks for tuning in. For the 24th season of The Bachelor, viewers can expect clear skin with a chance of stress-zit storms during hometowns. In close proximities to the Bachelor, it will be raining women with clouds of producers hovering nearby. Be advised that intermittent, weirdly uncomfortable shower scenes may occur, as well as wet make-out sessions in a hot tub or spa. Severe 'wrong reason' storms could erupt at any moment, so keep an eye on your Bachelor betting pool for the latest forecast."
But Tammy L. from Syracuse, NY, was truly mistreated by the stylists.
I don't have a funny joke here, just despair for my girl Tammy L., who wasn't given the dignity of a garment steamer for her dress. Tammy was clearly the last one to get her photos taken that day, because the stylists had been working for, like, 15 hours when her call time came up. It was a long day, everyone wanted to go home, and Tammy's dress suffered in the end. Moral of the story: Always carry a travel-sized steamer for photo shoots. The wardrobe department doesn't protect you anymore.