Jamie Fraser Outlander
photo: Starz

Jamie Fraser from "Outlander," a creation of author Diana Gabaldon brought to life on television by Sam Heughan, is a great character. He's a giving lover, a loyal friend and husband, a supernaturally gifted soldier ... and also, unfortunately, completely unrealistic. 

As much as we would all love a Jamie Fraser to fall forward in time and be our 24/7 devoted lap dog slash sex god, it's never going to happen because no one like Jamie Fraser has ever existed in history and probably never will.  He's too gorgeous. He's too perfect. 

RELATED: 'Outlander' cast reveals why Season 2 will be even sexier than Season 1

Even at the moments when he feels most human, he's still the ultimate female wish-fulfillment character, with also-rans like Edward Cullen and Christian Grey falling so far behind they're practically in 18th century Scotland. 

Below, some of many reasons why your real boyfriend should despise Jamie Fraser:

1

He's a man's man and a hardened warrior but also somehow a virgin with the utmost respect for all women.

photo: Starz

During a time when women were burned as witches for being the slightest bit "different" — AKA, less outwardly chaste and devout than their counterparts — Jamie is not only cool with Claire having sexual experience, he loves it. He also grew up mostly in the company of gruff, sexist, 18th century manly men yet still has modern day feminist values, had tons of women throw themselves at him yet ignored them because he'll know when it's right, and jumped through insane hoops to make sure his bride had a proper dress and ring made for their hasty wedding even though the whole thing only existed to keep her out of the hands of the British government. He just cares that much about bridal fashion.

Let me know when you find this shit on Tinder. I'll wait.

2

He lives in 18th century Scotland, yet has perfect teeth.

photo: Starz

When real men don't brush their teeth for 20-odd years, they get cavities. And plaque. And gingivitis. And all of those other things mouthwash commercials tell you you don't want, plus rot! Jamie's teeth, despite never meeting toothpaste in their lives, are pearly white and perfect. He's just that way.

3

He obsessively watches over Claire like I watch over my iPhone, but it never gets old or annoying.

photo: Starz

In real life, if a dude watched over you 24/7 and slept outside your door at hotels to prevent unruly men from getting in, it would be annoying as all hell. But when Jamie does it, it's valiant and adorable and somehow downright necessary. He's just that good.

4

He regularly takes other people's corporal punishments with glee.

photo: Starz

More than anything else — almost more than Claire — Jamie just loves taking on other people's physical punishments, especially when he has nothing to do with why they are being punished in the first place. In the first season alone we see him take a beating for the loathed Laoghaire, get beaten nearly to death to (needlessly?) defend his sister's honor, and throw himself in harm's way for Claire more times than I can even count. And having read (some of the) books, this continues, a lot. 

Real dudes, on the other hand, are busy slapping women at Trump rallies.

5

Have I mentioned how perfect he is with animals? What about babies, have we talked about that?

photo: Starz

A nice, warm bed? Nah, Jamie would rather sleep in the stables with the horses because animals just get him, bro. And in the books, he does stuff like stay up all night with Jenny's wailing babies because he wants his sister to get more sleep. Of course.

6

SPOILER ALERT: He fucking HATES bikini waxes.

photo: Starz

NOT-SO MAJOR book/Season 2 spoiler, y'all: in my favorite moment of "Jamie is a wish-fulfillment character" to date, Claire gets a bikini wax in Paris and Jamie hates it. He likes her "honey pot" to be as natural as possible, thus saving her from the unspeakable agony that (probably) millions of women go through called the bikini wax. 

In real life, this is ... yeah, not the case. Porn ruins things for everyone, and as women we will be in pain for the rest of our lives because that's just how men like it.

7

He's like, AT LEAST four inches taller than any other dude in the book.

photo: Starz

According to the Internet, the average height for a man in the 1700s was roughly 5 feet 6 inches. Jamie — in the books, anyway — is a towering 6 foot 4. I'm not saying that there weren't tall AF outliers back then, but given that women seem to overwhelmingly prefer tall men (guilty), I'm going to add this one to the "Jamie was created in a lab to be the man of our dreams" file.

8

He's a dynamite lover who enjoys oral sex and ALWAYS makes sure Claire finishes first.

photo: Starz

LOL.

9

He's so generally great at everything he earns a badass nickname literally everywhere he goes.

photo: Starz

Minor spoiler alert, but Jamie is just so fucking cool and generally respected/revered everywhere he goes that every time he moves to a new location on the show (and books), the population there gives him a new badass nickname that quickly becomes legend. He's been Red Jamie, Mac Dubh, Captain Alessandro, and — get this — BEAR-KILLER, and this is only naming a few.

Real dudes are nicknamed things like "Steve" and "Joey." Jamie gets to be bear killer.

10

He says shit LIKE THIS.

photo: Starz

Real dude sex talk: "[GRUNT]"

Jamie Fraser sex talk: “I’m sorry. I didna mean to hurt ye. But I do want to be in you, to stay in you, so deep. I want to leave the feel of me deep inside ye with my seed. I want to hold ye so and stay wi’ you ‘til dawn, and leave you sleeping and go, with the shapes of you warm in my hands.”



11

He cries single man-tears.

photo: Starz

The only modern-day man who can actually pull this off is Chris Pine.