Oh, Yeezus!

"Keeping Up With The Kardashians" is finally BACK for season 13 — and I live blogged the craziest (er, kraziest?) season premiere yet. 

photo: E!

The rest of this season is going to be a rollercoaster of emotion.

[10:00 PM] Goosebumps.

Kim Kardashian
photo: E!

To close the premiere, E! teased a clip of post-robbery Kim crying as she details her HORRIFYING experience in Paris. 

And I have All. The. Feels.

[9:59 PM] DASH MIAMI IS SAVED!

The New York DASH is a lost cause, but the Kardashian sisters are going to make their Miami store work.

(What am I going to do with my "Save DASH" picket signs now...?)

[9:57 PM] Momager Kris is in the house!

And Kim's lip ring.

[9:53 PM] Scott and Kourtney give "communicating" a try.

They talk out their issues and decide to distance themselves from each other. 

"Knock ya self out, kid," Scott encourages Kourtney to do her own thing.

[9:49 PM] Scott and Kourtney can't seem to figure out their friendship/relationship/co-parenting set-up.

But Kourtney lets Kim invite Scott to Kanye's show as a "good deed" because she's hella mature. 

[9:47 PM] Kanye's concert looks insane, and now I want a floating stage instead of a bed.

*Searches for "floating stages" on Amazon*

[9:46 PM] Khloe introduces Kim to Tristan at the Yeezy show!

And Kim already has a list of who she's going to tell about the new relationship. 

[9:43 PM] A disheartened Kourtney tells Kim that DASH is what keeps the sisters together.

Kourtney gets Kim alone and confesses why DASH means so much to her. She explains that the store strengthened her relationship with her sisters.

"Now I kinda get it," Kim admits. 

[9:39 PM] Khloe tells Kourt LOUD and clear that they are done with DASH.

But god, those tiles on the floor...

Amiright, Kourtney?

[9:38 PM] Camel toe is not a curse. I repeat, NOT a curse.

Let Khloe and Kourtney (and the infamous Camille) remind you.

[9:34 PM] Khloe invites Tristan and his friends to Kanye's Miami show... but she's still keeping Kim out of the loop.

AND IT'S KILLING KIMMY. 

How are we already thirty minutes in? This premiere is flying by.

KUWTK crying
photo: E!

*Cries*

[9:30 PM] A "delusional" Kourtney can't seem to part ways with DASH, but her sisters are so over maintaining their retail stores.

At this point, convincing Kourtney to walk away from DASH is like trying to convince Scott to walk away from his last drink. 

[9:27 PM] Khloe is glued to her phone during a group lunch.

I get it that she's in love, but that's low key rude. Khloe is so lucky that Kim isn't here. 

[9:25 PM] KHLOE HAS A HICKEY.

Best of all, Kim is the one who pointed it out. 

Hickeys are so middle school, I love it. A sign of puppy love <3

And we missed you, Kimmy!

[9:20 PM] Kourtney admits she needs a break from Scott.

Stop showing up to Kourtney's friends' birthday parties, Lord! Gosh.

[9:17 PM] But Khloe doesn't want to give Kim the details.

Khloe sees right through Kim's casual questions. She knows her big sis just wants some dirt. 

"This is what makes Kim horny in life," Khloe quipped. 

[9:16 PM] Kim is grilling Khloe about her love life.

According to Kim, Koko + NBA players = classic combination.

[9:15 PM] Jonathan just told Khloe that she looks like Miley Cyrus with her hair 'do.

Can't say I don't see it.

Same, girl. Same.

[9:12 PM] Khloe is GUSHING over her basketball player boyfriend, Tristan Thompson.

Shout out to the Cleveland Cavs!

[9:10 PM] Enter Scott, obnoxious as usual (but unlike Kourtney, I'm LOVING it).

So belligerent. Kourtney and Khloe look thrilled.

[9:09 PM] Khloe came straight from the Miami airport to meet Kourtney for dinner.

Koko is giving off intense detective vibes with her camel-colored outfit.

[9:05 PM] Ah, five minutes in and there's already a "SHOW YOUR TITS" chant.

Klassic.

[9:02 PM] And we're starting season 13 at the Miami DASH location. I've never been so happy to see Jonathan Cheban's face in my life.

Also, why am I not wearing one of those DASH tees for this glorious premiere?

[9:00 PM] O.M.G.

"KUWTK" HAS OFFICIALLY RETURNED.